Part 5: If---

This is what everybody doing to me....pulling me...bringing me down everytime I try to get up...

Back again...it's been a while since I last updated my blog, didn't want it to be "dead" again and have another premature burial....haihz......it's like the picture says...everybody keeps on trying and trying to bring me down....everyday of my life there WILL BE always something or someone who makes my day ruined....and it's been happening since "that day"....for those who were in the same class as me in form 1, you know damn well what happened....it's a long time and yet, I still feel hesitated to even think about it let alone talk to people about it....that day mark the day that I became emotionally scarred....as you people would say it, "emo"...and since then I've tried again and again and again to put on a mask that will hide my true emotions....I act like a jerk, be annoying and it's tiring.....I've been doing it up until now....my emotion's been very no, TOO vurnerable since then and everytime someone says something that disturbs me, I then to get emotional....not because I want to...it's because you people made me so....even just today....my best friend, who I'd support any day in my life, he, who anytime I see him, he too will tease, insult me, tearing me apart...my BEST FRIEND....at least he is to me....I doubt I'm his....there's a difference between who ARE your best friend...and who you THINK are your best friends....and right now....I think I might have only 1....and he isn't the person who I think is my best friend....cause my "best friend" keeps insulting me everytime I see him, it's painful...it's enraging and I feel like tearing him apart...something which I shouldn't feel....everytime he insults me, he ALWAYS, CROSS THE LINE...but when I insult him, he gets angry immediately....it justs go to show how anybody can bring you down any time in your life....a lot of you who are my age, especially who were my classmates in form 1 know how I can be torn apart emotionally with a flick of a finger....and for my "best friend" to insult me everytime he sees me? It's like me having a large wound constantly trying to heal...and he keeps throwing salt right on the wound....EVERY SINGLE TIME that I see him, he'll do that....I don't know if I want him to be my best friend anymore....I'm not even sure I wanna be around him anymore....I've heard people say that he's one of the reason I'm holding back in everything I do and that's why the highest I've been in academics...is only 4th...I'm not even 3rd...I've never tasted that luxury before....and I want to....I...just don't know what to do anymore....like I said, my feelings are easily hurt by anyone....I know I can't do anything to people when it comes to words...because it's just words...it's not physical...I have a lot...and I mean A LOT of pent up aggression inside of me...and if the wrong person decides to push the wrong buttons, I WILL UNLEASH A FURY THAT YOU HAVE NEVER EVER SEEN BEFORE....and don't blame me if that person dies....cause I wouldn't mind going to jail if that happens....but if it's possible, I want my emotions to stay emotions and not be the last breath of that unfortunate person....

.....I need someone who would pick me up whenever I fall...I need someone who would sacrifice their body to protect me when I'm being stomped on the ground....I need someone who would always be on my side, right or wrong, I NEED someone who would be able to heal my deep wounds...I NEED someone who'll always be by my side until the day I die...I NEED someone who I'd be crazy about at the start of my day...and still would be at the end of my day....I NEED to find someone who would understand me and not just pass judgment based on what "people" say...I need someone who would make me want to reach my goals in life...I need someone who would be able to handle things when I'm not around...I NEED to find my 'Soulmate'.....and right now...I haven't found her yet....I like someone currently....but I don't know if she likes me back or if she's my soulmate....I....don't know how I'm gonna carry on living each day...if my wounds keep getting deeper and deeper...having no time to heal....I don't know if I can survive like this....before I know it...the end might be sooner than I thought....I might not even live to see the day that I even get a girlfriend or get married or have a family or fullfil my dreams or get my dream job, my dream house, my dream life.....I might not be able to live to see that day....if I keep going in my current condition.....

before I end this post, I'm putting this lyrics of a song that really desrcibes how I feel right now....the title is Falling Apart by Trust Company...for those who feel the same way as me...this's a song that you'd wanna listen to....

Trust Company - Falling Apart

I slipped away further from you,
Trying to find what is real,
You're somebody else that I never knew,
And someone that I can’t feel.....

I shut it away,
I keep it in me,
Is this what it takes to keep me alive?
So you take me and you break me,
And you see I’m falling apart,
Complicate me and forsake me,
You push me out so far,
There’s no more feeling.....

I slipped away closer to me,
The only thing that is real,
I’m falling behind and now I can see,
Your absence helps me heal.....

I shoved you away,
I keep you from me,
Is this what it takes to keep me alive?
So you take me and you break me,
And you see I’m falling apart,
Complicate me and forsake me,
You push me out so far,
There’s no more feeling.....

Spread, Spread out...
Spread, Spread out.....

So you take me and you break me,
And you see I’m falling apart,
Complicate me and forsake me,
You push me out so far....
And you take me and you break me,
And you see I’m falling apart,
There’s no more feeling.....